September 20th, 2007

Subject: Sheridan Time: 11:20 pm

I have been on a livejournal hiatus. Mostly because i have joined the Facebook brigade.. and now i feel the need to write something a bit more private that i am not entirely wanting the entire facebook community to read. not that i am oppose to people reading my thoughts. Its more being not comfortable with people feeling the need to comment and console? I am not looking for consolation. I am just looking for an outlet to get out things i need and want to say. I am in Ontario. Living here. Schooling here. Working my butt of here. Classes are ridiculously hard and i am struggling more than i thought i would which is apparently a normal thing. Part of the experience here is the struggle.. overcoming that and growing not only as a performer but as an overall person. To BE a performer you need to have that inner balance of some sort. Theatre isn't all weird people who are there for all the deeeppp meaningful dark creepy abstract... things. It's people there uniting under a common passion. A form of artwork that speaks to them. No matter the genre. To even consider this lifestyle passion is a MUST. Because if you don't love it.. it's not worth the hell of trying to do it for your life. I have started to uncover my personal huge flaw. It's something i have known was there in the background. But this past week especially it has started as a knot under my sternom and moved progressivly up my chest into my throat and out of my mouth in a somewhat desperate cry of understanding. I have a wall. I huge wall of insecurity inside of me. A wall which prevents me from tapping into the unknown and the uncomfortable. Im afraid of looking stupid. I'm afraid of looking ugly. I'm afraid of looking like i have no idea what i am doing. I am afraid of failing. however in order to suceed - the act of failing is necessary! You NEED to fail to learn the things you need to know to succeed. What a process. I don't know how to tap into this wall and just let myself be open to really letting go. To not caring what people think. To not be intimidated by all of the beautiful beautiful people i am in the program with. I am not beautiful like these people. I am a thorn among the roses. That scares me too. Petty. But true. I'm a girl. I want to be seen as something beautiful. I don't want to be the awkward one up there. But if i get over my wall then it won't matter because i WILL be able to sell mself as a package because i AM my package. I am what i work with. I am my instrument. If i completly believe and love this precious thing i have to sell then by god... people will see that and want to see more of that. We are classified as Actor/singer/dancer dancer/actor singer.. singer/actor/dancers.. myself being the latter. Today i had a chance to get up in front of everyone preforming my musical theatre selection. And during it... after it... i just felt like i was a huge bobble of flaw. that I let my STRENGTH down. That didn't feel good. The best feeling in the world for me is to be completly captivated in an amazing moment . So amazing that the world around you slips away and doesnt matter because it is that moment - and only that moment - that matters. It's holding your breath and not even realizing it - then at that moment of letting it go... it's honestly.. the orgasm of breathing. It feels so good and raw that you want it again. I want to make other people feel that. A

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March 16th, 2007

Subject: Yeomen of the Guard Time: 12:03 am

Newwww show is Gilbert and Sullivan's YEOMEN OF THE GUARD Running March 30th through April 7th at the Pumphouse Theatres. Tickets are available at www.morpheustheatre.ca, by phoning 216-0808 OR at the door! $15 adults $12 students/seniors I am playing the very acrobatic.. and one of the female lead roles Elsie Maynard. Hope to see y'all out!

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January 27th, 2007

Time: 10:19 am Current Mood: giddy

Brittany, Katrine, Haley and Heather beat the Russians (2006 OLYMPIC womens team and reigning University games champs) 6-5 to clench the Gold medal at worlds. CANADA UNIVERSITY WOMEN ARE WORLD CHAMPS!

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January 25th, 2007

Subject: GO CANADA Time: 09:25 am Current Mood: ecstatic

BRITT WON THE SEMI FINAL VS SWEDEN IN ITALY THIS MORNING meaning.... THEY PLAY IN THE GOLD MEDAL GAME VS RUSSIA ON SATURDAY AT WORLDS! ummmm HOLA EXCITED PLEASE SEND THEM MOTIVATIONAL SUPPORT AS THEY ARE DOING A DAMN FINE JOB REPRESENTING CANADA... at.... teamgregor@hotmail.com AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BRING HOME THE GOLD GIRLS!!!!

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January 7th, 2007

Current Music: Places you have come to fear the most - Dashboard Time: 07:34 pm Current Mood: nervous

I have a feeling that i maybe may have taken on too many things at once. For real this time. uh oh!!

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December 26th, 2006

Current Music: There's a Fine Fine Line - Avenue Q Subject: ho ho ho Time: 07:38 pm Current Mood: exhausted

Christmas comes. Christmas goes. It's one day a year where people are supposed to plaster a smile on their faces and become part of a family. Where is that the rest of the year? Not knocking Christmas - I adore that magic in the air that comes seemingly hand in hand with the spirit of giving and the romance in the air. (its totally there at this time of the year.. the snow.. fires... ) It's just sad that the other 11 months of the year are jam packed with other things like work stress. Family stress. School stress. Stress stress stress. Stress is a bitch frankly. Not that there isn't stress at Christmas time because woo wee is there ever a lingering stress in the air as well. It just seems less blinding at this time of the year. granted. This could indeed be a babble fest of babbleness. BUT the point is. Is i am all riled up and most definitely passed out in the line at La Senza today while boxing day shopping. Like... black out smack on the floor pass out. I'm a little worried! Those special little fainting moments have never ever happened to me before. WEIRD. Anywho. To be a little bit ironic - MERRY belated Christmas to all you folks out there.... and remember to spread a little cheer now and then throughout the rest of the months too. We could all use more bright spots every day.

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December 18th, 2006

Subject: i want to sleep! Time: 09:01 am Current Mood: groggy

SO sleeping lately has been quite the task ... often resulting in me not actually zonking out untill the 7 in the morning ish mark (after hitting the sack aound 11/12) This is not good. THis is annoying. I would love a strategy for making my mind turn off and shut out all of the thoughts that seem to all unravel just when i am trying to SLEEP. Crikey. I am constantly tired and i am my own worst enemy and i want to fix it!! ANyone have any suggestions!? please - i'm all ears.

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December 1st, 2006

Current Music: Ray Lamontagne - Lesson Learned Subject: Random Thinking. Time: 06:28 pm Current Mood: contemplative

( Thoughts )

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November 22nd, 2006

Current Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Can't Let it Go Time: 09:14 pm Current Mood: lonely

"Can't Let It Go" You said you'd light a candle And you'd say a prayer for me I feel the light has dimmed and gone Half the world is begging While the other half steals Where did everything go wrong? Some days I can't believe Others, I'm on my knees Trying to be heard I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go And half the world is sleeping While the other half dreams You close your eyes And then you're gone And maybe my intentions Have been misunderstood I know you feel so beautifully wronged Some days I can't believe Others, I'm on my knees Hoping I belong I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go And laughter is my soul's release But we're not smiling anymore And can't we try to win this peace? 'Cause we're never gonna win Never gonna win this war I was your anger And you were my fear Now that it's over Of course it's so clear But you were no angel And I was no sin Somehow I can't let it go I can't let it go

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November 20th, 2006

Time: 09:11 pm Current Mood: lonely

Dear you know who you are. My heart is stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Please scrape it off and stop stepping on it. It's your choice whether you tenderly nurse it back to health or wait for time to dust it off. Thank you. -Andrea

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November 15th, 2006

Time: 12:19 am Current Mood: giggly

Mid way through Oklahoma run. Ends ooon Saturday (we have shows every day until then and 2 on Saturday itself if anyone would still like to check it out!!!) Felt like announcing the NEXT thang. Morpheus Theatre's production of Gilbert and Sullivans perhaps darkest show... Yeomen of the Guard. I will be playing Elsie Maynard.. yes.... this is my exciting third lead in a row!! Tres fantastic. I am absolutly floored!! The run for that show will be March 30 -April 7th once again at the Pumphouse. yay!!! AS for life in general. Not much to update. I have discovered Gingerbread Frappacinos.. and with that rekindled my love for the Christmas season. The magic about it. That... anticipation and hope in the air. Love. It's great. One of my favorites times of the year for sure. AND i have found out that I am a waffle whore... I adore waffle clothing so much that i have all of sudden gained copious amounts of it in plentiful colors.. AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY!! AND I'M TOTALLY BONIFED EXCITED FOR HAPPY FEET TO OPEN ON FRIDAY!! EEE!! I AM GOING TO GO SEE IT SUNDAY!!! EEEE!!! PERHAPS BY MYSELF BUT THAT'S A OK AS I CAN"T WAIT TO SEE IT BECAUSE I AM A GEEK AND I LOVE PENGUINS AND THE FACT THAT THEY SING... OMG MAKES IT THAT MUCH CUTER AND FABULOUS AND ... THROUGH IN TAP DANCING AND I AM A HAPPY HAPPY GIRL!! and i'm out!

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November 7th, 2006

Current Music: It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects Time: 04:50 pm Current Mood: listless

Drama was interesting today. My drama class - first of all is very as one might put 'off book'. It's not a standard drama class.. not that there is a standardization of drama class. But there arn't scripts. There isn't that THIS IS HOW YOU ACT. THIS IS HOW YOU FIND YOUR CHARACTER. There is... the become intune with yourself and understand that... then take a second glance at the world and your surroundings and people. Taking the wall of judging and stereotyping down and really seeing people.. culture.. yourself and LIFE how is really is. The roots. The guts. It's really a class that isn't directed - rather facilitated. It's collective learning. I have become more in touch with myself for sure. I have found that i am able to find that neutral state in which i ANDREA can go from andrea mode to ... Laurey mode .. or whatever character I need to be mode. Today however ... our prof brought in a box. It's full of things that trigger his mind. Free his thoughts. Start that ball of imagination rolling with inspiration. I didn't know what to expect really. But he opened the box and pulls out a letter. A letter written in January 1944 from a man who was serving in the navy to a woman who sent him a ditty bag (.. basically a care package). Our prof found the letter in an abandoned house. He read it to us. And then he made us close our eyes and he continued to pull things out of the box. Next thing was a music box. It was one of those old ones that has that spool like metal piece that has notches on it so that when it turns it pops up metal teeth that are set up to brush against the spool. It creates this crazy haunting type of music. And this melody in particular started my 'eyelid' theatre persay. Anyway... with our eyes still closed he pulled out horse bells. The ones that are places around a horses neck during a hayride and such. Old bells. All different.. so that when they clang together they make the most a tonal noises EVER. So in my mind I started thinking about the letter.. and started thinking about how that could have been the last document that that man ever WROTE and sent to another person. With the music in the background.. i started picturing a woman. I saw a picture. I saw a woman's hand holding an old framed photograph.. and that hand caressing the face in the picture with her fingers. With longing. With a sense of waiting. Insatiable waiting. I got so involved in this idea... this emotion that i most definitly teared up in class. When we opened our eyes.. i saw that majority of the class had tears welled up in their own eyes.. or already fearlessly staining their cheeks. I love inspiration. ... I love and hate when you feel so much that you can't quite decifer what exactly is going on.. or what you are precisely feeling. Or how to relieve that feeling and USE is. But you just know that you are ALIVE. That your heart is well in tune and beating and reacting and feeding off of those brain waves being sent through that interconnected path from head to heart. Piano music is a huge HUGE thing for me. I could listen to a piano 'riff' over and over again and get something different from it every time. Piano music is my muse. And not Bach.. Mozart.. or Beethoven style piano necessarily. Just because that is supposedly REAL music doesn't mean that it is the most passion felt. Everyone gets something from different random places. Different moments. I'm not about the huge orchestral moments when everything is going NUTS. It's amazing and beautiful in it's own. But when a lone piano plays solemn notes... and has that moment. That vulnerable moment... It gives me chills. It sounds like rain.. it sounds like tears.. it sounds like hope. Like love. Like dispair.. happieness.. envy.. lust... rage. Passion.

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November 3rd, 2006

Subject: STOLEN bwa ha ha Time: 12:38 pm Current Mood: content

Opening Credits/Pre-Show: Slide - Goo Goo Dolls Birth: Wild World - Cat Stevens Disturbing childhood montage: Rainbow Connection - The Muppet Show (aka.. kermit) 18th Birthday: Somewhere in the Middle - Dishwalla Falling in love for the first time: Only Hope - Mandy Moore (don't laugh - it's true... haha it was our song..!) TIED with Nora - Blessid Union of Souls Sad heartbreaking overly emotional someone hand me my Oscar please scene: I'll Be There for You - Bon Jovi Inspiring recovery scene: Breakfast at Tiffany's - Deep Blue Something Musical scene: Save Tonight - Eagle Eyed Cherry Dying Scene: Lightning Crashes - Live Funeral Music: Tracks of my Tears - Gavin Degraw (cover or Smokey Robinson.. either would do) Ending credits: Better Together - Jack Johnson adding on...; Highschool Song: Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams Honorable mentions: The Best of You (Acoustic Version) - Foo Fighters; Jealous Guy - Gavin Degraw; The Good Kind - The Wreckers; Standing Outside the Fire - Garth Brooks; Shameless - Garth Brooks; Overcome - Live; Stolen - Dashboard Confessional

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October 30th, 2006

Time: 10:53 pm

Show opens in a WEEEEEK. I am a little bummed out. Feels like i got a little kicked in the bum and i don't handle that well mainly because i jump to that IMMEDIATE conclusion now because i'm used to it. ANd i shouldn't. But i do. Don't say that everything is fine and that things will work out knowing what i want and how i feel and then give me this intense... blissful feeling of HOPE and then let it so easily crash to pieces on the incredibly notoriously unforgiving floor. I give up. ... pretty much because i'm at a point where i care SO much that i don't want to care at all anymore. Because it hurts. Your damn... eye crinkles boy. I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and lock it up in a box where it's safe. As the Wizard in the wizard of oz logically states to the tin man - "Hearts will never be pratical until they are made unbreakable" grrrr On a happy note. Oklahoma looks good. The orchestra (AHEM YES THE ORCHESTRA) is fantastic and it is a strong solid cast. Should be a great, fun, energetic show. Y'all should come. Running Friday November 10th - November 18th at the Pumphouse Theatre. www.frontrowcentre.ca or 263-0079 for tickets. Book SOON as tickets are indeed selling fast. Stay tuned to the Calgary journal as there will be an article, as there will likely be one in the nieghbours section of the Herald in the upcoming week. O - K - L - A - H - O - M - A oklahooooooooomAAAA YEOW

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October 13th, 2006

Time: 05:04 am Current Mood: disappointed

"Good Day" I say to myself Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m. Standing with the fridge wide open, staring Such a sight, florescent light The stars are bright Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but As it is, I might watch TV Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be I shiver, shut the door Can't think standing here no more I'm alone, my mine's racing, heart breaking Can you be everything I need you to be? Can you protect me like a daughter? Can you love me like a father? Can you drink me like water? Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter. The point of it all Is that if I should fall Still you're name I'll call It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me It's gonna be, it's gonna be As long as we laugh out loud Laugh like we're mad Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch God, but still we laugh Get back in bed, turn off the TV You say "I'll be alright baby, just wait and see." It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay It's gonna be all right, just wait and see Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay... Uh oh, awake again It's one A.M. Staring Such a sight Well, at least the stars are bright

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October 12th, 2006

Subject: O K L A H O M A ! Time: 11:13 pm Current Mood: creative

OKLAHOMA Presented by Front Row Centre Players NOVEMBER 10th - NOVEMBER 18th showing in the Victor Mitchell Theatre (part of the Pumphouse Theatre Complex) Tickets available NOW at www.frontrowcentre.ca COME SEE ME!!!

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October 3rd, 2006

Current Music: Endless Night- The Lion King Time: 09:29 pm Current Mood: determined

So sometimes the weirdest things can happen. This weekend was hard for me. Drama... with two boys. I have a lot of boy drama. I am sick of boy drama. I let out all the feelings and got them to the surface (for myself - i didn't harass either of them.. it's not worth it!) aaand delt with that. Accepted it. Hurt a little bit. And then today I woke up in the most fantastic mood. I was so happy all day. I had this great revelation in drama class... (haha actual drama class..) and found that center.. that neutral state where i can switch over from Andrea to Laurey and become that character and be HER. Walk like her.. think like her.. feel like her. Know what she likes.. realize her intentions. It just clicked. Definitly a eureka moment. I can't wait to put it into action. Today also is the first day I can say that I am off book for Oklahoma. A task that i set for myself and accomplished sooner than i thought i would. Surprising. But relieving. Today is also the first day that i can say that I felt confident and happy in ballet class. I looked in the mirror and felt pretty and not fatter than any of the other girls in the class. I felt beautiful and that I fit in in my own quirky way. I also didn't get messed up over choreography. Which in itself is very odd for me. My arms did what they were supposed to when they were supposed to do it and my feet pointed correctly.. and i turned out fully and supported my weight fantastically! I was balanced. It was really weird. AND i wasn't intimidated or distracted by the piano player. Which i normally would be. As I think to much about how terrible I look in tights. Today i was just hyper and full of energy and could care less what he thinks because I stopped chasing. It's... not going to happen and I am ok with that. Then I came home. And found out that my cousin died. She was in her 60s. She was my connection to music, theatre... and the passion that is required but not teachable... just a natural thing. She understood me. I understood her. She headed up Silver Stars in Calgary - a broadway.. esque group for 45+ here in Calgary. She was a beautiful beautiful dancer and lady. She cut off her connection with our family about 2 years ago when she was diagnosed with her second bought of breast cancer. She hated to be seen suffering.. and hated people to know she was suffering prefering to do it in isolation and silence. I always thought that she would get better and come see me in a show one day. aaaaaaaand now she's gone. But i don't know. I just have this overly creepy beautiful feeling that she was with me all day. I know she'll be at Oklahoma. I know that that inspiration will help me to dig down and bring out the best in myself for her. In her honour. Sooo... I offcially hate Cancer as in the past 5 years it has claimed 3 members of my family. 1 to colon cancer ... on August 5th 2001 1 to breast/lung... everywhere cancer on July 2nd 2005 And now 1 more to breast cancer .... October 3rd 2006. RIP Joyce. Say hi to Granny and tell her I love her.

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September 20th, 2006

Time: 03:32 pm Current Mood: okay

Jenny's afraid of water I mean she swims so well, but still She's afraid of water And so she won't go near the sea Not me Katie's afraid of darkness I mean she sleeps and all, but still She's afraid of darkness So when the lights are out she has to hold my hand I don't understand I'm not afraid of anything Be it mountains, water, dragons, dark or sky I'm not afraid of anything Tell me where's the challenge if you never try So watch me fly I'm not afraid Daddy's afraid of babies I mean he got through me, but now He's afraid of babies Guess he's scared of what they'll be Not me And Mama's afraid of crying You know she tries to hold it in But she's afraid of crying And she can look at me with tears stuck in her eye And I don't know why I'm not afraid of anything Be it growing old or going out of style I'm not afraid of anything Who would give up what they want without a trial Another mile I'm not afraid And I feel the calling of adventure And I hear the ringing in my ear The lights are glaring Trumpets blaring I'm right here And I hear the calling of tomorrow And I feel the stirring in my bones And David loves me He's afraid to hold me Listen to the calling of excitement Can you feel the pounding of my heart The lights are ready Pulse is steady I can start Never stop the calling of a challenge Blessing on the water and the stones And David loves me He's afraid to tell me David loves me He's afraid to trust me He's afraid to hold me And he'll always be He's afraid of me And I'm not afraid of anyone I am sure to win with anyone at all I'm not afraid of anyone Not a soul alive can get behind this wall So let them call And watch them fall ‘Cause after all I'm not afraid. I love this song... because the conviction of the song in her voice and the accentuations that she uses.... make it so she's talking herself up into being this person she envisions herself being. ... a lot of this song is me. I AM afraid of a lot of things. but the biggest thing i am afraid of is letting people see my weakness(es..) and letting that get in the way of my sucess. So there ya have it. I'm Not Afraid from ... Songs For a New World (AMAZING) BY Jason Robert Brown (AMAZING)

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September 5th, 2006

Time: 10:05 pm Current Mood: cheerful

OK. So phase 1 on journey has begun... I am taking 3 courses at the UNi. Theory. Drama. And Dance (ballet AND jazz) Bonjour... to work on the triple threat action i am NOT but will be!!!!!! So i will be kicking around the uni. But not in choir. And not often. I will be getting an afternoon job. But Theory is good because that's my weak point in music.... Drama... because i don't actually have any formal acting training outside of high school. So that will be amazing. I can become a 'wanker actor'. And dance. Because the more the merrier the more intense the better. The more dance the less gym on those days!! open gym times for MWF. Super excited. AND MY NIGHTS ARE FREEEE FOR SHOOOWSSS WEEEEEEEEE perfecto!!!

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August 29th, 2006

Subject: A change in me. Time: 11:01 pm Current Mood: determined

SO. No curling. No school. No Atco. No health insurance. No dental insurance.. No insurance.. I dropped out. I officially did it. Why piss away another year of doing NOTHING that will amount to anything in the long run. I will be working my ass off somewhere to save up money to leave this city... and pursue my dream. I need to be on that stage... i need to preform. I don't have a back up currently. I figure at this point I need to go for it before my chance blows right on by me. Next year I will be in Toronto, Victoria or... heaven forbid New York pursuing a dream in Musical Theatre. Pursuing a New Life. Being ME. Nothing to hold me back now but myself.

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